Why this blog? Why the title "Jesus is Hope in the Darkest Night?" Why me as the blogger? Well, the answer to all of the above is that I am not really sure WHY? What I do know is that over the course of 22+ years of multiple physical, spiritual, financial, and emotional challenges, as well as long periods of being bedridden and unable to walk, I have had more "Dark Nights of the Soul" than I can count. As is the case in most such situations, to try to explain the WHAT can be as difficult and confusing as the WHY? The WHAT includes multiple failed lumbar spinal fusions and one failed cervical fusion over 20 years ago which has left me with debilitating spine and joint pain, paralysis at times, severe neuropathy, depression/anxiety, sleep apnea, and severe obesity.
The root cause of all of this was a tumor on my pituitary gland that stopped production of hormones needed for bone growth and bone repair. Without them, my bones weakened and finally shattered at L-5 causing paralysis. Attempts to fuse the spine failed since I was not producing what my body needed for the fusion to solidify. Four additional surgeries were unsuccessful. Spent almost 7 years in bed at that time, but those would not be the last. Not by far!
The damage to my pituitary has had other, even more profound effects on my health. Called panhypopituitarism, the result has been hypogonadism (extremely low Testosterone), Secondary Addison's Disease (Adrenal glands do not work, so I have to take steroids for the rest of my life to stay alive), Acromegly (Extremely high Growth Hormone and IGF-1 levels), Cognitive and memory problems, Eye and Vision deterioration, Osteoporosis of the spine, and constant joint/muscle pain and weakness.
So, over the past 20+ years I have spent a lot of NIGHTS and DAYS wondering just where I went wrong. What had I done to deserve all of this? I have spent thousands of hours on the computer trying to find out and "fix" what was wrong with me. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. Many people have also prayed for me and my family (and continue to faithfully do so). I must admit that I have often had "knock down - drag out" prayers with God. Yes, there have been many times when I questioned whether God existed at all. Or if He did, He must be some kind of cruel God who enjoys the suffering of people. After all, there is so much suffering in the world and since He created it, He must have meant for suffering to be so prevalent. I know I am not alone in feeling this way.
I guess, when it comes down to it, that is the reason for this blog. You see, the one thing we truly cannot live without is HOPE! Jesus is that HOPE! I was saved when I was 12 years old. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I know that when I die I will spend eternity in Heaven with Him. I don't fear death, but I sure have this thing about suffering and pain in this life. My hope was for healing. My hope was for relief from the constant pain. My hope was for strength. My hope was for things to be as they were before. My hope was for the ability to work and provide for my family. My hope was for smarter doctors and miracle cures. Boy was I wrong!
My only HOPE was and is Jesus! You are probably thinking...."Well, duh? You are a former pastor. You mean to tell me you didn't know that?" Yes and no! I did know that, but in the middle of suffering, we often lose our sight in the darkness of the circumstances. This is a battle that I find myself winning and losing all the time. I suspect, a lot of people who read this blog feel the same way.
I cannot speak about your own "Darkest Nights" because frankly I don't know. What I can tell you is that the HOPE you so desperately desire can only be found in Christ. In upcoming blogs, I want to share with you Jesus' desire for your life in the midst of difficult times. His perspective on your trials will help you to see how much He cares for you. The depths of His love for you. The reason that His cruel death upon the Cross gives all of us the true HOPE we are searching for in this life and in the life to come. Don't worry about failure. I fail Him every single day. Yet, in all of my life, He has not one time failed me. Even in the middle of the Darkest Night!